It's OVER

i've been doing some soul-searching, and after 3 beers, clipping my nails, and little-to-no debate with myself have decided that i am no longer watching FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT HEROES.

i realize i liked it in the beginning (despite the fact i think ali larter looks like a fucking retard) and defended it to those who didn't like it, but i am taking it off my tivo season-pass.

i can no longer support such a god-awful show. amnesia to de-power a character? finding a reason in every season to take away powers from characters who are too strong (Peter and Hiro)? time-travel that makes the show so confusing i find myself yelling at the TV? Mohinder and Niki/Jessica/Tracy even still being on the show? FUCK!

TIME-TRAVEL!? why does anyone do anything at all on heroes? the show-runner tim kring is such an asshole that he ADMITS that he never read comics and only really likes origin stories. after that he just doesn't care about the plot. MOTHER FUCKER. if i met that douche i would punch him in the neck and tell him that it wasn't me, it was me from the past. good luck finding me from the past, i hear he went to the future and got fucking amnesia. see! i can write for heroes!

in conclusion, i don't expect i will give a shit when the show gets canceled. i will contemplate to myself at how much other stuff i will get done during the hour heroes is on. learning to knit? yes, please! choreographing a dance that will sweep the nation? look out, mtv! emailing pictures of me flipping off the camera to hayden panatierre? you betcha!

if any of you are watching heroes, please, please, think of how short hayden panatierre's limbs are (seriously, is she part midget? just her arms and legs?), it's very off-putting.

- Love, PJ

Why is this person still alive?

My worst nightmare used to be being chased naked by those smart monkeys from the movie Congo, while a giant moving screen in front of me plays a non-stop video of my parents 69-ing.

Then I saw this picture:


She's famous for a song about rehab, has been in and out (mmm... in-n-out) of rehab and arrested multiple times, and has a douchebag husband/is a douchebag. And now when i see her face i think of her eating a live fish with her bare hands.

Quality Cinema

Keeping the theme from my blast from the past kid-show exposé, i've decided to explore something near and dear to the many people who love their films from yesteryear: on-screen nudity for no other reason than to show some tits.

see something you like?

i started thinking about how these days, it is for some reason against the law for a movie to be rated R. it is rare now to see just a random set of boobs in a movie just because people want their movie to be rated PG-13 and "make shitloads of money" according to the people who finance them. just the other day i saw Walk Hard, and not knowing it was rated R, i was pleasantly surprised to see some boobs halfway through. yeah, boobs. remember those? movies used to include them.

now we have stars like Jessica Alba (what color is she? orange? off-tan?), whose contract stipulates no nudity so they turned her character in Sin City WHO IS A NAKED STRIPPER into some chick swinging a rope in her bathing suit. thanks Jessica Alba. I may sound extremely sexist right now, but really, show some spine, Young-Movie-Star-Women-of-Today.

you're not a stripper

Remember that scene in Demolition Man when Sly got a video-phone call from some naked chick for like .8 seconds? that is what makes Sylvester Stallone a visionary action film star and all around fantastic person.

Sign Me Up

i was shopping online for some new holistic medicines and noticed a magazine section on Rite Aid's website. so i says to myself, i says "hey, i wonder if i can get my magazines cheaper from here. now i don't have to be pay full price for 'Modern Bride'..."

I have had an Electronic Gaming Monthly Subscription since 1994, but wanted to see how much it cost there. until I realized they obviously aren't selling new issues of the magazine. here's an excerpt of their synopsis located here:

"Electronic Gaming Monthly focuses on new electronic games for console video game units, including the Nintendo, Super NES, Sega Genesis, Sega 32x, Sony Play Station, and portable game systems such as the Nintendo GameBoy, Sega Game Gear."

i know Rite Aid got in trouble some years ago for selling a BUNCH of merchandise past their sell-by dates, and obviously this practice continues.

i know there's people like me who would be like, "sweet! the new mortal kombat game is out on the Super Nintendo!"

(Wa-Wa-Wild and Crazy) Kids TV

hey. remember when TV was practically MADE for children in the 80's and 90's? i sure do. Saturday morning was FULL of good stuff (Sonic the Hedgehog sticks out in my mind, along with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and other shows for the awesome kid with discerning taste). i won't talk everything, and i know GI Joe, He-Man, Transformers, and the Thundercats are iconic TV, but there was so much more on than just the obvious stuff. also, i don't want to write a 30,000 word essay on this.

Nickelodeon had too many shows to even mention all of them in any sort of order. So out of order, a list of Nick shows everyone who was allowed to watch TV was tuned into: Salute Your Shorts (it's, 'i hope we'll never part!'), Ren and Stimpy (watch the Adult Party stuff), Rugrats (the early years), My Brother and Me (Gooooo Punch!), Doug (dooo do-dooo do-do-do-dooo do-dooo do-do), Clarissa Explains It All (wayyy cooool), Are You Afraid of the Dark? (only when i watched that show by myself), and an even greater variety of game shows. Guts (fucking HILARIOUS to watch now, you know who you are), What Would You Do? (wipe a booger on Mark Summers' face, that's what), Wild and Crazy Kids (dizzy home run derby), and of course the iconic, slimy Double Dare (the question is: what wouldn't Marc Summers do?).

With this amount of quality on just one network (SNICK in particular being a must watch on Saturday nights) you would think that, 10-20 years later, there should be a shitload of GREAT shows for kids that appeal to adults that grew up watching fun programming that summed up what it was like to be a kid that had to wear Strike 4 shirts and wanted BK Ratch-Tech shoes that every retard that could reach into a giant nose to pull out a flag would win.

i forgot to mention how great Nick Arcade is to watch as a man who grew up playing those video games way better than a duo that consists of some guy named Chester who tucks his shirt into his elastic shorts and his partner Bethany who's disappointed the host isn't the dreamy JD Roth.

Even the shows on network TV were mostly good. Land of the Lost, Fudge, Looney Tunes, The Tick, and Eek! the Cat/Terrible Thunder Lizards were a good reason to wake up early. there were some clunkers (I'm looking at you, Saved By the Bell: the New Class), but it was a safe bet that while you ate your Nintendo cereal that you were going to be entertained between 6am and noonish.

There was a major factor shared between most of the great cartoons of the 80's/90's, and that is they were produced by DiC entertainment (click for a list of their shows). remember the end of many of the shows back then when there was that little musical cue and the little girl's voice saying "Deek"? Very important seeing as the company hasn't produced many shows in the last decade.

the point of this rambling blog that i haven't posted in for a month (thought i forgot about it, didn'tcha?) is that today (as in the '00s) i'm either not up on my kid's TV culture, which is most likely the case, or there is seriously very little quality programming for the over-protected kids of today. Who the FUCK cares about Hannah Montana? Why do people think High School Musical has remotely good music? what the shit is going on?

*SIDE NOTE: the only good shows that are new are either stolen from Japan (as always), or are Spongebob Squarepants, which delightfully keeps up the tone of Rocko's Modern Life. And I will admit to loving the hell out of Even Stevens on the Disney Channel. Great writing made that a great program. END SIDE NOTE*

but then, i look at most of the stuff that was good to me when i was a kid, and see that the only reason i smile when i see an old episode of something is that those shows were on when we had ZERO fucking responsiblity and the only worry in life was if i was going to get my name on the board in class (ms. pedroza didn't like kids laughing at her kidney problems). it makes me sad to think that in 15 years when those kids who like Zoey 101 (er, or whatever it's called...) are old enough to go to their 10 year reunion, they'll be talking about the awesome new Michael Bay-directed live-action version of The Fairly Oddparents.

however, if we take it upon ourselves to save those kids future embarrassment and beatings (from me), the future looks bright. look for episodes of your favorite shows and give them to your brothers or cousins or nephews or even sisters, girl-cousins, and nieces. pass down the greatness of worthwhile television to those forced to watch the fucking Cheetah Girls. at least My Little Pony had good life lessons. who the shit wants to look like Raven-Symoné? probably not even Raven wants to look like Raven.

I would like to hear all of your opinions on this matter, seeing as the fate of our younger generation is at stake.

it really is

in beer news, i found out that Raley's sells Pabst Blue Ribbon Light in cool redesigned cans, so now i can enjoy delicious low-calorie brew and still look like a cheap-ass in the process! go out and try the pabst brand. i am basically going to keep telling you to drink it until Pabst Light is sold at every market and school in the land. or at least closer to my house.

resolute

this year i have some simple resolutions:

1. subscribe to a newspaper

2. make a smooth transition from pabst blue ribbon to pbr light


and my computer's resolution for 2008:

1. 1440 x 900, 32-bit color

wierd. weird. weerd.

do you ever have a day where you realize that you have probably been spelling a word wrong for a while? today, for some reason, i thought of the word weird as i listened to a crazy old man ramble waiting for the bus. then i thought, 'weird. weird. w. i. e. r. d? w. e. i. r. d? then i got into that zone where the more i thought about the word, i was certain that it wasn't even supposed to sound the way i was saying it. i was actually driving myself crazy thinking about this on the way home from school. and now i am crazy.